by: Nadine Hanchar
1. Being a Pleaser
Is a behaviour that needs to be changed in order for you to stop self-sabotaging!
Being a pleaser comes from the need to be needed, liked or accepted. This need stems from feelings of not being good enough and looking outside of ourselves for validation, recognition and a sense of self-worth. Self-worth is an inside job!
This often was a survival strategy learned in childhood. People engaged in pleaser behaviour to feel loved, valued, safe or okay. As we become older we may recognize this behaviour by a different name a Mr. or Mrs. "fix it" always taking responsibility for others and feeling like you are the one who has to fix everything, keep the peace, do it or be responsible for it. Ultimately it stems from a feeling that if we don't do these behaviours we will be rejected, not liked or not accepted for whom we are.
This pattern of behaviour attracts like a magnet those who do not want to take responsibility for self, users and abusers.
This behaviour can be seen in any walk of life and in any business or profession. It can lead to burn out, negativity/unhappiness, being too busy taking care of others and not taking care of self, the inability to say no, the inability to set appropriate boundaries, making your well-being, peace, and happiness dependent on external factors, causing a level of stress that will prevent you from being as successful as you could be and often leaving you feeling isolated, out of control or a false sense of control and depleted.
Although this behaviour is often sought after in terms of employees because it is easy to manipulate them into taking on more and more without adding too much cost. It does not serve the individual or the entrepreneur who when they learn to say no, when they mean no and yes when they mean yes, is often an "aha" moment. So contrary to many people's belief, no is not a dirty word. No keeps communication clean and people need to let go of the limiting belief that saying no, isn't nice or is unkind.
Saying no is a fundamental skill in being successful. Saying no to others means that you are saying yes to yourself. It means that you are respecting yourself and your goals and it means that you are respecting the other person is a capable individual that can come up with their own solutions to whatever it is they are wanting you to do or that they can take responsibility for themselves.
Setting appropriate, healthy and clear boundaries brings clarity, organization and focus to the things which will bring you the real success that you are looking for.
Also quit looking outside for your power, value or acceptance. True power comes from your own self-confidence, knowing your own value, respecting yourself and being authentic.
It's a matter of striking a balance between giving too much and giving too little. It requires self-exploration and a willingness to learn new behaviours and a deep understanding that we are good enough and worthy of love and belonging just as we are that we don't have to prove that to anyone. Stop going for the like and go for the respect!
2. A Lack of being Authentic
When we are not being our true and genuine self we have already on some level rejected our self and then we are unconsciously looking for rejection which we will find, even if it is not really there.
When we hold back our truth or ignore it, this creates conflict inside of us and weakens our relationships creating walls and barriers to overcome that need not be there. People feel our lack of authenticity even if you think you are doing a good job of hiding it. Being authentic creates better and stronger relationships and organizations. Learning to respect yourself enough and respect others enough to be authentic may not be easy but it is worth the effort. It takes courage and a willingness to speak your truth without knowing how the other person will respond. It takes an effort to learn new skills such as assertive communication and active listening. It takes a willingness to look at our own processing styles and the processing styles of others to understand each other better. Great leaders are authentic and good communicators who understand that they must walk the talk.
3. Letting our Fear decide
Fear is normal, what we do when we encounter it is what makes the difference! The good old saying "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" a quote from Susan Jeffers from the book of the same title is the mantra of most entrepreneurs! Most of our emotional fears come from a lack of trust in ourselves and are just imagined movies we make up inside our heads and scare ourselves with! When we actually take action on things it diminishes the fear. When we let Fear make our decisions we are playing small in our lives and we undermine our success and deprive the world of what we have to offer.
4. Negative Self Talk
We can at times be our own worst enemy! We judge ourselves and put ourselves down and maybe we had people in our childhood that contributed to this behaviour. It doesn't mean we have to stay there though! It is important to have positive self talk and to learn from things and events that don't go the way we would want them too. Appreciation and gratitude as a daily practice and asking ourselves proactive questions when thing don't go the way we want are ways to turn that negative self talk around!
There are many ways that we procrastinate particularly with the things we don't like to do or find hard to do. Being busy for busy's sake, distraction, being tired etc. Procrastination seeps our energy away and usually leads to more procrastination. So listen up, to be successful there will always be things you need to do that you don't like or find hard to do and the trick is, to do those things first! Get them out of the way and they don't seep your energy away! If you do the things you don't like first then the rest is a breeze! If you do the hard things first then the rest is easy! Never put off until tomorrow the things you can do today and never put off until later the thing you could do now! Take a deep breath and dive in you will feel better for it!